#23- BUMPS AND BRUISES

You have one life and then suddenly it's all different.

Break ups. I sit here watching this incredible snow storm and am overwhelmed with how little is in all of our control. It's particularly obvious when relationships break up. People promise this and that to each other and sometimes it all works out that way. But isn't it weird when it doesn't? I mean, seriously. We should be able to say I wanna spend my life with a person and be able to do it. Happily.

But we change, don't we? The winds push us here and there and as we continue our journey along we realize the only constant we have is us. Ourselves. That's liberating and horrifying all at once. Yay me! Oh no...me!

I just watched this random video I found online of my ex. My major ex. The ex of eight years. Meaning we were together officially for eight years and that was after many prior years of a dance of trying to get together... and then back together. "My ex."

I google him and poke around and find nothing of me. Nothing. Not that I'm surprised or sad because hell...come on, let's move on? But how weird is it that he has omitted this big chunk of his life from his identity? It's just gone. On social websites he describes his likes and dislikes and jobs from the phase before me and then skipping to after me. But then again there doesn't seem to be trace of any prior exes either...and I know all of them. SO odd. I'm friends with many old boyfriends. Maybe the most significant are the best ones to bury because in the end we don't truly understand the closeness and then nothing. I don't. If we knew in the beginning of a relationship that it wasn't going to work out we wouldn't bring them so close. Would we? That's a dirty trick. Who made that one up?

I am in a new phase now. Because of my age I don't get as emotionally wrapped up with people as I did. But I do assume a familiarity. A grounded-ness. Maybe it's from my teaching so many years. I like to get to the point quickly and I don't assume the end all and be all. That's the different between 20's and 30's. At least mine.

I see people clearer now that I did and my time is selectively spent. I'm more productive and am entering the beginning of a very heavy reflective phase. That's where the writing is coming from. But one thing about be remains constant all the way through and keeps developing. I am "in the moment." Completely. What happens around me immediately effects me and I don't hide it. Yo know what I think just by looking at me. This embarrasses some people when they catch my alarm or deep curiosity dripping off my chin. But it's what makes me a good actress and allows me to bounce along with this ever changing life of mine. It's who I am. I am deeply interested in humanity and what we are doing with ourselves.

So I am back at Penny's this Tuesday. I can't wait. My friend Bricken is the special guests, which will be a hoot! These people live lives that change all the time and they take their bumps and bruises to the stage and share.

My turn...

#22- A VISION

The message has been said over and over again. Visualize it. Just visualize it and it will happen. See it and it will manifest itself before your eyes. The older I get the more of my friends say, "Yeah right" with a twisted up mouth and take another drag of their cigarette. How can people still smoke? Really. It amazes me. But seriously...it does look cool. My coolest characters smoke. But I don't use cigarettes. I use a Bic pen. Just to be weird.

Visuals. My friend Maria, a long lanky exotic woman with big brown eyes and a mad passionate love for people, told me that making a Vision Board changed her life. Her eyes widened seeking my understanding, me being a fellow Sagittarius and all. Maria met me and loved me because we're the same sign. We met on a fluke because she was dabbling in real estate in the same office I worked in and heard I had a one woman show. We met at the show and she was enthralled. Deeply. She has many layers besides her super modelesque stature and caramel completion.

Anyway, back to the Vision Board. Maria swears by this. An old fashioned collage covered with magazine clipping of everything your heart desires. Hung up in a prominent spot in your home so you can see it always and visualize what you want. Problem is Maria likes to entertain a lot and felt shy about her friends seeing her board. So it's shoved in the back of her closet unless the right audience is around.

Regardless, I don't entertain a lot so I made one. I'm picky about my images tho so I googled them all and printed them and cut them out. Here's what I put on it...in order...from left to right...top to bottom...

AN EMMY (for my show)
A BUDDHA STATUE UNDER A FLOWER (spirituality)
A BABY WITH BLUE EYES WITH A BIG RED HEART DRAWN ON IT ( love and a baby..eyes don't have to be blue)
A PRE WAR APARTMENT ON CENTRAL PARK WITH ARTSY FURNITURE (self explanatory)
AN ENVIRONMENTAL CAR (I'm not sure why I put that there...maybe to move the baby around)
SEVERAL OSCARS ON A SHELF (who doesn't want several OSCARS? Dianne Weist has several. I touched them...shhhh...don't tell...her)
TO DRIVE ON ROUTE ONE (cuz its beautiful and scary)
A LONG BLUE DRESS AND A SAPPHIRE DIAMOND RING (to wear on the red carpet...I put the ring here too and not near the heart because I felt like a square being like "I wanna get married with a big fat ring". I don't need to be married. Just in love and happy)
A BEACH HOUSE ON CAPE COD (again...who doesn't want that?)
A HOUSE IN THE WOODS ON A LAKE WITH A WRAPAROUND PORCH (I think a certain someone I know might want that too...not telling who...ok that guy from the past)
TO SHOOT A PROJECT IN PARIS (I love Paris and I want to work there)

OK those are my visions. I have to add some things. Like the book I want to write. Maybe a horsey.

Do one. Let's compare who gets the most vision one year from today: January 5th, 2010.

#7- THE RULES OF DATING SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE

Dating is a struggle for most every woman I know. Most of my gal pals are driven career women. Many in show biz. Many are loud and funny and full of life. They are a far cry from the sweet and demure and tend to put it all out there right out of the gate. Well I've learned something about dating and I must share it.

Right now one of my stand-up comedy students is working on a bit about the rules of dating. After years of dating duds she finally met a wonderful man who makes her laugh and together they have a successful life full of love and adventure. She claims from her own experience that the rules of dating work. So while I sit and listen to her work to try and help her perfect her delivery I can't help but wonder, " Do I follow the rules?"

The answer is plan and simple. No. Absolutely not. In fact I am so bad at following the rules of dating that I am surprised I've dated anyone for any length of time. In case you are wondering what these rules are, let me elaborate. Simply. The rule is act the same way with a man you are attracted to as you would with someone you couldn't give two lemons about. Act "uninterested" and be busy. When they call don't answer. Don't return their calls. Don't text them. Don't email them. Don't talk for more then 10 minutes on the phone with them and be sure you end the call first. End the date first. Let go of their hand first. Here's a doozie. When out and about DO NOT make eye contact with men you pass. Ever. Let them make eye contact with you. If some guy you think is attractive doesn't do this then he's not interested anyway. Plain and simple. Geesh!

I read most of this in a RULES book in Barnes an Nobles last night. I had to see this is black and white. So while sitting on the floor in a ball in a far corner of the store on the Upper West Side as if I was reading The Anarchists Cook Book, I was wide eyed and stunned. The author said in the book that women are now encouraged to be aggressive in their careers and direct with people. Look them in the eye! Be brave! Go get 'em. But when it comes to love you have to do the opposite. Well maybe not the opposite exactly. Don't act shy. Just be aggressively NOT interested. This is so weird to me. How is any man supposed to know what do do if every woman in New York acts like he doesn't exist. We'll apparently this is pure biology. It's part of the hunt. Men are such linear thinkers that they simply see what they want and decide to go for it. Then the chase begins. So the more unavailable you are, the more mysterious, the harder they work for it. This was like reading that for all of these years there's been a camera following me and I'm a famous TV star on Mars and never knew it. What???

With someone I like I spill my guts. I might act uninterested at first, but once I am it's hard to shake me. I text funny things, I email, I make eye contact. I'm direct and make it clear I'm interested. I also tell them all of my career plans and ideas for a family right out of the gate!! I did this recently and KNEW I was doing the wrong thing. Quite frankly I'm shocked this person didn't run for the hills. Shows character on his part I suppose. Or insanity. My students words kept buzzing in my head and I knew I had to really take a look at what I've been doing. First of all, the last thing I feel like doing is telling anyone all of the details of my career and plans for family. YAWN!!!! But still- I thought this was important information men wanted to hear. Turns out- not so much. Particularly over a slice of pizza. Scotch maybe. But not pizza.

All of this has worried me over the past few days. I thought maybe there was some empty hole in me I desperately needed to fill with some man. Was I a whole person? If not-why???? I never thought that before. But then it dawned on me. Yes I'm whole and complete, but I was approaching love like I approach my career. No stone unturned! Strangling the goose until it says yes! That sounds lovely, doesn't it? Don't you want to work with me now? No, but really. I am relentless when it comes to my career, but in a good way. Promise. Problem was I was approaching love the same way. Big mistake.

Ok, so now what? I got all of this information yesterday and discussed it with my sisters. They were both shocked. One said it sounded very old fashioned. Particularly the part about the man having to pay. She was also surprised at the no texting thing. Texting seems like a good way to communicate. It's fast, efficient, and it's in writing so you can make sure you don't say anything stupid. Unless you're drunk texting of course which wasn't mentioned in the book, but I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to be doing that either. All three of us had a good chuckle at the "No eye contact" thing. We imagined walking the street looking just above everyones heads. My sister Jen said this would be easy for her since she's almost 6 feet tall.

So after we discussed it all and leaned back to watch Hellboy of all things, I felt better. It's like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I know how to date now. The best part about it is for once in my life I don't have to do one damn thing. Just enjoy the ride. Be busy, live my life, and never return phone calls. That's a first ( ; Stay tuned!

UPDATE!!

Ok so remember how I said I was so relieved because I now knew how to date successfully? Like I'd found the hidden secret and all of my questions have been answered? Well let it be known the man I mentioned earlier read my blog...of course...so my cover is blown with that person. Unless of course it's somehow enticing to see my thoughts pasted on the internet. It hadn't really occurred to me he'd go look at my blog...but I suppose he must be interested enough to do that. Right? The other person who read it was my student- you know- the one writing stand-up about the rules. She called me and said, :What have I been telling you for months and months!!!!" She's right. The upside of all of this turns out that many of my friends are suffering from the very same plague. The don't know how to follow the rules either. Phew! I'm not alone.

"Read your blog. It's very interesting. However, isn't that playing games? Once you start seeing a guy, at what point do you stop playing games? Just curious. I struggle with this too."

I love that she asks me...like I know. I have no clue. Yes- this is playing games as far as I can tell. But it seems like maybe we've all forgotten about the game playing part-the seduction. A friend of mine believes you should approach love like you do your career. Seriously and with careful thought. Ok I'll fit that in between rehearsals, teaching, auditions, and showing apartments....

"i like that blog on dating. it sounds similar to what i do in my dating life, or lack there of. it's weird though that, i do all those things and yet i'm still single. i just think that there must be someone out there that is just absolutely perfect for me. i'm only 27 1/2. yes, i have to put that 1/2 in (that's so 5 years old). so clearly i have time. there are plenty of things i want to do for myself before being accountable to someone else, you know? i still feel like i'm 18 (and we all know i look like it) and am actually shocked at myself when i think about being 27, which just so happens to be 2.5 years from 30. i believe everything happens for a reason so i just try to relax about it. just some of my thoughts..."

Ok so here's someone who play the rules and is relaxed about it. Ok. That sounds right. Busy with life. Moving along. Whatever. But I notice how she stresses her age...or rather how her very close benchmark of 30 is quickly approaching. Perhaps once 30 comes all of us forget the rules and start to get jaded....I guess I'll know when I turn 30....a-hem....

#5-REALITY SETS IN

I was at a meeting this morning and found myself two blocks from a dear friend who just had a baby. Let it be known I am officially "aunt sam" with this person. This being my first "aunt sam" experience I thought it fitting I make an appearance on this rainy day. It was illuminating. Here's why.

I always invisioned being a mother. A kick-ass mother. The mother who has all her teen aged kids friends over after school and we all hang out in the kitchen. The kind of mom who strapped her kid on her back and set out into the wide blue yonder to crack the mold of American motherhood and raise the next best amazing human. Today...I was stunned.

My friend Donna is a stand up comedian. She's been making her living doing this for a few years...I guess since 9/11 actually. She's amazing and has the same understanding of talent as I do. It's your duty to share it. If you have it then i'ts meant to be worked and shown to people who need to be inspired. So that's what she does. She makes people laugh. Like me.

Donna has had an interesting journey. She has cracked the mold of her Mid-West bible belt background and married an incredible human being from Ecuador. Seriously...this man should teach classes to men on how to be a man. I've never seen such a thing as him. He's humble though. We all tell him he's amazing and he laughs. One time Donna and I were in the livingroom having girl talk. I walked to the kitchen and passed Luis sitting at the table paying bills. I don't know how else to describe this mans state any other way except "serene". He was like butter on toast and as I walked by he looked up at me and giggled. Who is this person? We need to clone him.

Ok back to my point. So they had a baby. This is huge on many levels because Donna is a comedian. Let me say this again. She's a comedian! What comedian has a fabulous man who giggles when he pays bills and a baby? It's mind blowing.

Ok so I go over and Donna and me and this amazing little baby person hang out. It's fabulous and thank goodness the baby likes me. Kids always like me, but I really wanted this one to like me. I'm amazed she came out of my friend and I know how blessed Donna is to have this little person. I think it's amazing we all thought she was going ot have a boy. She had a girl. It's really interesting to me. Donna the comedian will be a role model for this little girl. Wow.

So we hung out and Luis came out from a mid morning nap. He was up with the baby til 6am. Again- he should be teaching classes. They ask me iF I'd like a steak. Its 1pm. This is their dinner scheDule before he goes to work. Instead I have some salad with them while the baby swings in that battery operated magical swing that makes babies relax.

Around 230 i go. Im spent. Donna goes with me as far as Duane Reede but had to go home because Alexa needs some serious boob milk action....for the 4th time since i arrived.

How am I going to do this? How do I find a man to do this with? How do I produce films, theatre, and act and even sell real estate with this idea of having a baby? I'm stunned!

Stay tuned...