#7- THE RULES OF DATING SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE

Dating is a struggle for most every woman I know. Most of my gal pals are driven career women. Many in show biz. Many are loud and funny and full of life. They are a far cry from the sweet and demure and tend to put it all out there right out of the gate. Well I've learned something about dating and I must share it.

Right now one of my stand-up comedy students is working on a bit about the rules of dating. After years of dating duds she finally met a wonderful man who makes her laugh and together they have a successful life full of love and adventure. She claims from her own experience that the rules of dating work. So while I sit and listen to her work to try and help her perfect her delivery I can't help but wonder, " Do I follow the rules?"

The answer is plan and simple. No. Absolutely not. In fact I am so bad at following the rules of dating that I am surprised I've dated anyone for any length of time. In case you are wondering what these rules are, let me elaborate. Simply. The rule is act the same way with a man you are attracted to as you would with someone you couldn't give two lemons about. Act "uninterested" and be busy. When they call don't answer. Don't return their calls. Don't text them. Don't email them. Don't talk for more then 10 minutes on the phone with them and be sure you end the call first. End the date first. Let go of their hand first. Here's a doozie. When out and about DO NOT make eye contact with men you pass. Ever. Let them make eye contact with you. If some guy you think is attractive doesn't do this then he's not interested anyway. Plain and simple. Geesh!

I read most of this in a RULES book in Barnes an Nobles last night. I had to see this is black and white. So while sitting on the floor in a ball in a far corner of the store on the Upper West Side as if I was reading The Anarchists Cook Book, I was wide eyed and stunned. The author said in the book that women are now encouraged to be aggressive in their careers and direct with people. Look them in the eye! Be brave! Go get 'em. But when it comes to love you have to do the opposite. Well maybe not the opposite exactly. Don't act shy. Just be aggressively NOT interested. This is so weird to me. How is any man supposed to know what do do if every woman in New York acts like he doesn't exist. We'll apparently this is pure biology. It's part of the hunt. Men are such linear thinkers that they simply see what they want and decide to go for it. Then the chase begins. So the more unavailable you are, the more mysterious, the harder they work for it. This was like reading that for all of these years there's been a camera following me and I'm a famous TV star on Mars and never knew it. What???

With someone I like I spill my guts. I might act uninterested at first, but once I am it's hard to shake me. I text funny things, I email, I make eye contact. I'm direct and make it clear I'm interested. I also tell them all of my career plans and ideas for a family right out of the gate!! I did this recently and KNEW I was doing the wrong thing. Quite frankly I'm shocked this person didn't run for the hills. Shows character on his part I suppose. Or insanity. My students words kept buzzing in my head and I knew I had to really take a look at what I've been doing. First of all, the last thing I feel like doing is telling anyone all of the details of my career and plans for family. YAWN!!!! But still- I thought this was important information men wanted to hear. Turns out- not so much. Particularly over a slice of pizza. Scotch maybe. But not pizza.

All of this has worried me over the past few days. I thought maybe there was some empty hole in me I desperately needed to fill with some man. Was I a whole person? If not-why???? I never thought that before. But then it dawned on me. Yes I'm whole and complete, but I was approaching love like I approach my career. No stone unturned! Strangling the goose until it says yes! That sounds lovely, doesn't it? Don't you want to work with me now? No, but really. I am relentless when it comes to my career, but in a good way. Promise. Problem was I was approaching love the same way. Big mistake.

Ok, so now what? I got all of this information yesterday and discussed it with my sisters. They were both shocked. One said it sounded very old fashioned. Particularly the part about the man having to pay. She was also surprised at the no texting thing. Texting seems like a good way to communicate. It's fast, efficient, and it's in writing so you can make sure you don't say anything stupid. Unless you're drunk texting of course which wasn't mentioned in the book, but I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to be doing that either. All three of us had a good chuckle at the "No eye contact" thing. We imagined walking the street looking just above everyones heads. My sister Jen said this would be easy for her since she's almost 6 feet tall.

So after we discussed it all and leaned back to watch Hellboy of all things, I felt better. It's like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I know how to date now. The best part about it is for once in my life I don't have to do one damn thing. Just enjoy the ride. Be busy, live my life, and never return phone calls. That's a first ( ; Stay tuned!

UPDATE!!

Ok so remember how I said I was so relieved because I now knew how to date successfully? Like I'd found the hidden secret and all of my questions have been answered? Well let it be known the man I mentioned earlier read my blog...of course...so my cover is blown with that person. Unless of course it's somehow enticing to see my thoughts pasted on the internet. It hadn't really occurred to me he'd go look at my blog...but I suppose he must be interested enough to do that. Right? The other person who read it was my student- you know- the one writing stand-up about the rules. She called me and said, :What have I been telling you for months and months!!!!" She's right. The upside of all of this turns out that many of my friends are suffering from the very same plague. The don't know how to follow the rules either. Phew! I'm not alone.

"Read your blog. It's very interesting. However, isn't that playing games? Once you start seeing a guy, at what point do you stop playing games? Just curious. I struggle with this too."

I love that she asks me...like I know. I have no clue. Yes- this is playing games as far as I can tell. But it seems like maybe we've all forgotten about the game playing part-the seduction. A friend of mine believes you should approach love like you do your career. Seriously and with careful thought. Ok I'll fit that in between rehearsals, teaching, auditions, and showing apartments....

"i like that blog on dating. it sounds similar to what i do in my dating life, or lack there of. it's weird though that, i do all those things and yet i'm still single. i just think that there must be someone out there that is just absolutely perfect for me. i'm only 27 1/2. yes, i have to put that 1/2 in (that's so 5 years old). so clearly i have time. there are plenty of things i want to do for myself before being accountable to someone else, you know? i still feel like i'm 18 (and we all know i look like it) and am actually shocked at myself when i think about being 27, which just so happens to be 2.5 years from 30. i believe everything happens for a reason so i just try to relax about it. just some of my thoughts..."

Ok so here's someone who play the rules and is relaxed about it. Ok. That sounds right. Busy with life. Moving along. Whatever. But I notice how she stresses her age...or rather how her very close benchmark of 30 is quickly approaching. Perhaps once 30 comes all of us forget the rules and start to get jaded....I guess I'll know when I turn 30....a-hem....