#29- REVIEW: "I HOPE THEY SERVE BEER IN HELL" by Tucker Max

I don't "review" often. I'm extremely picky when it comes to books. The books I am most fond of are written by Jennifer Belle, whom I now know personally. I take book writing pretty seriously. I think it's because I am so damn picky. I think it's because when I find a book I actually want to read I enjoy it so damn much I am willing to go out of my way to meet the author and buy a bazillions signed copies for my friends. I'm picky, but hard core.

So one day I was waiting tables. It was hot outside and I was in charge of the people who wanted to sit outside. That's fine. They tend to stay longer and order more...just to stay outside. I guess they don't realize they could go to the park for free.

One dude stayed for easily an hour...maybe two. It was slow so he didn't piss me off. He was reading some book. I couldn't tell what, nor did I care- at first. But then he started laughing. A lot. Audibly. It was awesome because that's what I do when I read Jennifer Belle. Except I'm American and this guy was English...so I laugh louder. Just kidding...not really.

I ask him what he's reading. He looks at me like he's just been caught doing something really naughty. "Well, it's this..." He shows me the cover. " It's really offensive. REALLY offensive. But there are some things he says in here that are so damn funny, I can't control myself". That was all I needed to go out and buy the book. "Prepare yourself!" He warned as I ran into the restaurant to write down the name of the book for a trip to Barnes and Nobles after work.

I HOPE THEY SERVE BEER IN HELL is a series of true stories about the infamous Tucker Max. I say infamous because apparently he's very well known for his blog, which is clearly the basis of this book. Each chapter is a story about his excessive drinking, crazy antics with his equally nutso friends, and his graphic multiple sexual encounters. I can't believe he isn't dead or alcoholism, STD's, or plain old murder. Not surprisingly, it's already been made into a movie.

I recommended this book to a few of my female friends, but I always prefaced it with why I continued to read it and not throw it in the trash. It's an insight into the "white mans world". Like an unknown subculture, the world of the corporate white male eludes many of us. They are programmed at a very young age to "sow their oats", "don't get tied down", "if you do get married, have a bachelor party and sleep with prostitutes". But don't get caught, whatever you do. Go to an Ivy League school, be a lawyer or a doctor, make a ton of money,play golf or tennis, marry a woman who looks like a super model, have kids, hire a nanny. It's all crap and Tucker Max takes all of those opportunities and basically poops on them. It's sort of horrible and fabulous. That's the part I liked. It also makes me want to have a son and raise him on a deserted island.

Truth be told, after a few chapters in I thought I couldn't deal with the sexism. He consistently insults women to their faces about their weight, looks, intelligence (or lack of), or their sexual openness (aka slutty-ness). He's a complete hypocrite when it comes to most of his insults, but redeems himself by openly calling himself an asshole and regularly saying to the reader he doesn't think of himself as a catch at all and is baffled as to why women want to sleep with him at all. Very smart way to try to remain the protagonist. As if all of this "just happens" to him. It certainly seems to. Another lesson I got, life can just take on a life of its own- if you let it.

To Tucker I say, I have no clue why women throw themselves at you. But I suppose having a blog that men with, I suppose boring lives, worship simply because you "get away" with everything horrible, might be one reason. Perhaps women who want to date these insecure men pretend to also worship you so they can have something in common with these men and as a result they will want to date them. Who knows what goes on in the minds of women? Whoops-I do. We put up with a lot of crap. But finally we get bored of wasting our time with people who care more about things like football games than family. I can remember dating a guy who liked to get up on Sunday mornings and watch Beevis and Butthead. He absolutely loved them. I did this with him once. It was idiotic. I broke up with him shortly after that.

Here are the things I now have learned about the men apparently who love Tucker Max:

They all want to be alcoholics
They all want to sleep with upwards of 300 women
They only like women with big boobs
They like fist fights
They like blacking out and waking up in places they've never been next to women they can't remember.
They like to make lots of money doing absolutely nothing
They don't shower or brush their teeth after sex or before blacking out-which is almost daily.
They prefer strip clubs to actual human interaction with a woman

All in all, I'm glad I read it. I got a lot out of it. Read it. I recommend it. But just like the guy in the restaurant told me: PREPARE YOURSELF!

#28- ART. IT MAKES YOU DO THINGS

It's been awhile since I've written to you all. The past few months included me moving, adjusting, bringing my dog up, him adjusting, and launching and building my new business. My absence in "the scene" is due to my after show commute almost tripling as well as my dog requiring 6am walks. No excuse for the wicked, I know. But sometimes adjustment is necessary.

So I am back living in Washington Heights after two years of subletting my place so I could complete a feature film I produced AND finally finish healing from a pretty suckey break up. It was an eight years plus relationship. Take a note from my life, no matter how relieved you are, never underestimate the tole a broken relationship can take on your spirit. You must heal. When you seek healing do it with people who genuinely love you. It's sort of like weening of narcotics, not that I'd know. But I imagine weening of a long term relationship is worse that quitting caffeine. Maybe cigarettes. Regardless, do it around people who love you because they will be the only one who will tolerate your mood swings.

So I've been working at my business, teaching, directing, and yes- waiting tables. My weekend waiting gig hasn't been so bad and the food service always makes me feel like I'm really in the trenches- busting butt. If you are reading this and you do not live in NYC, just know that having this many pursuits and jobs is common among many of my peers. This city is expensive and success is all about relationships with other people. I've made incredible connections at VERY fancy parties through my new business as well as when I'm serving eggs. It can happen anywhere in NYC.

Anyway, lucky for me Penny and the gang have held on tight to Samantha Jones. Regular calls and pleading me to come perform help me remember why I am here. To perform and to write. In fact my new business is taking so much of my focus because I know it will succeed and ultimately bring me more time for my art.

At the moment I am on Cape Cod. The twists of my life continued when me retina detached for the second time on the second day I was here. Needless to state, I was panicked. For many reasons. One was I was six hours away from my doctor of choice. Two, my health insurance wasn't completely up and running yet! This is where my family stepped in once again. By day three my insurance was up, my surgery complete, and we were one day away from closing on a vacation home we were purchasing together. Let's just say the stress was at a maximum.

Then John Murdock began calling. Pretty regularly. He said he needed to discuss a few things with me. He doesn't know this, but those calls made me really happy. Like all of the nuttiness of the last week or so suddenly dropped to the floor because one of the soldiers of art from the Lower East Side needed a chat. Knowing him it was a huge project. John loves huge projects, particularly is they involve politics or anti-religious themes. He's the best.

We finally made contact. On a warm summer day my family was off to the beach. I was back at the house doing anything I could think of that would help me keep my heard down (doctor's orders). I was on the deck playing guitar when my phone rang.

I won't tell you what was said because I think it's meant to be a surprise, but I will give you some hints:

Politics
Media
Shock

and after a brief chat with me it also includes a happening involving everyone in "the scene".

These are the kinds of people I like talking to because the have huge ideas and want to make a difference. So do I. I like that I don't have to have all the big ideas. It gets tiring and I'm happy to support other people's big ideas..assuming they're good ;)

I should mention my sister and I won an award for our band, "The Sister's Rock". Best comedic performance from this organization we've done a few fundraisers for. The reason I mention this is because my sister and I did this just for fun. Not really seriously. I should take a note from that and perhaps allow myself a little more fun with my art. Maybe that will be my new goal this fall.


PHOTO ABOVE IS OF MY EYE POST OP WITH A FLOATING GAS BUBBLE INSIDE TO HOLD THE RETINA IN PLACE