#25-LEAN, MEAN, AND IN THE NAME OF ART

Life. It can overwhelm you. One minute, you do what you do. Float along. You're one of the good ones. The next minute everything takes a 180. Confusion. Disillusionment. You immediately regret a flip choice and want to go back ten steps. But you can't. What's done is done. You move on as a person who did whatever that was. The world sees you differently, but still have the same old face.

The only thing that gives us relief is knowing that everyone experiences this at some point. Maybe today we're not the worst person ever. Just a person. That sounds even worse.

Artists feel this sort of every day thing like a hot flame. It's intense and stands out sometimes even more than good memories. They write about the torturous moments not to expose themselves, to find others like them. Even if we're both a couple of jerks at least we have each other. All better.

I was at the mic the other night. Captivated. They sucked me in immediately... or made me want to run for the hills. The eyes of the channeling artists who are slaves to expression. When they enter a stage, the door to their heart flies open and they begin. Usually there's a plan. A plan to do one thing. Something rehearsed. At least once or twice. They intend to lay it before their captive patrons in the hopes for immediate feedback. Whatever it may be. One by one the show went on and I was once again running along like a happy puppy.

Then he entered. The one who was going to experience one of those 180s in front of a packed audience. No privacy. He looked up and then suddenly...this artist was overcome. Caught in the hot light and the focused gaze of the confused audience members. All of us trapped in one of those moments. Painful moments. He uttered a realization of a regretted life choice. In that moment all of it caught up to him without his yeah or nay, and his art froze. Crash!

He stood at the mic and said nothing. He closed his eyes and put his head down. My stomach got tight and the silence in the room made me think for one minute that something special and good was happening. I just didn't get it. Like an epiphany. But no. This was a crash collision in real life.

When life creeps up on the normal people they just go home and drink alcohol and order Indian food. We artists finish very hard day jobs and then go to open mics and hook our front teeth into cold brick. It's what we must do.

This kind of openness is what brings me back over and over again. It's a reminder. A warning. Life can turn. In a minute. You're the pilot. Keep your hands on the wheel.

#24-SHADOWS

The energy sizzled at Penny's Open Mic tonight. We all felt it. We were over excited. I hadn't been there in over a month and I was thrilled to be back home. There comes a responsibility with art. Artistic pursuit requires nurturing or you lose it. It's like being given a baby and not feeding it. Eventually child services shows up and says you're unfit. When I don't perform for more than a few weeks I feel unfit. Tonight I refitted myself.

Mike Milazzo, the brilliant musician, surveyed the audience of packed in sardines. Mike had grown a very distinguished go-tee. It suited him in a big way and I told him so. I'm so damn direct with people. It startles them. For Mike I think it startled him in a good way. He responded by telling me he'd read my blog right before leaving the house. Like it's on his "to-do" list. I like that. I like Mike Milazzo reading my blog.

The audience was ravenous for the show to start. Mike said, "How many of you have never been here before?" Half of the room hooted and howled. I looked at Penny and she was stunned. I could see her mind clicking, wondering where all of these people came from. A young woman filled with so much love for art. A patriot for the truth in all of us. An equalizer of people. She is the heart of this scene. She is a magnet of the unknown and she makes the outside seem familiar. The people who walk alone find her show and become a part of a rare and very fine fabric. A scarf that winds us all together and leaves us with a tremendous respect for each other and the deep desire to howl each others names in celebration. Penny is counted on and thrives from the people who come to her show. She has yet to know her impact on this city. I hope I am lucky enough to still know her when she realizes what she's done.

After the newbies hooted you could feel the palpable need from the oldsters to be recognized. I said, "Now ask us how many of us have been here before!" . Mike complied and was responded to with an equally enthusiastic blare that made him smile.

I have been around for a long time, yet I am newly woven into this show and these people and serve as a special cog in the mechanics. They love my work. Truly. I know this. But the beauty of this is they expect only my very best work. They expect it because I expect it. I hold an artistic standard for myself and they support this, without even saying it. I am only happy performing when I am rehearsed and prepared. That way I can truly let go and bring the audience into my world. My process. I can get intimate with them and make them laugh from their gut. The people in this room know this about me without saying it and as a result...won't let me get away with anything less than true.

After many years of performing in clubs around town, I am surprised I have found touchstones in this room. Joe Yoga is one. Each time I perform he comes straight to me back stage and gives me a delicious hug and kiss. He doesn't know this, but it's my button. He seals the deal in a very simple way for me that makes me feel like someone handed me a cup of hot chocolate after standing at the freezing Thanksgiving Day Parade for 4 hours. That's gold to me. When you come to this show look for him. You'll see what I mean.You'll want him as a touchstone too.

There's also Penny. Now Penny hosts all night and is very busy, but we always manage to touch base about my piece. She tells me she's inspired or amazed and then I tell her I'm inspired and amazed by her. No bullshit. We actually really mean it. We say many of the same words every time, but they are unique to us and we cherish knowing each other and respecting each others art. If I don't connect with Penny during the show..well it's like leaving a partially unwrapped present under the tree.

This last week I had he pleasure to see some of what Penny has been working on. This:

BROKEN DOG LEGS
A Horsetrade and Muse Collective Production

UNDER St. Marks Theater
94 St. Marks Place
btwn First and Ave A
January 23,24 & 30,31 at 8 PM
$12 Tickets, Discount with password 'Lompyville'

I paste this here because you must run out and support Penny is this. It's an important piece and her work is extraordinary. I'm going Saturday the 24th. Be there.

This week my favorite touchstone is my sister, Becky Lally. She is a visual mastermind who has taken her fine arts talent and transfered it into film. Se makes films like paintings and is a deeply hilarious human. She and I perform as a sister rock band together. She plays the mandaline and write hilarious lyrics. Her voice is great and having her anywhere near me lifts me to a place I wish I could sell tickets to.

So shadows. his was the theme of Penny's open mic this last week. There's always a theme which serves as a great inspiration to the performers. Another incredibly important performance happened this magical evening. It was Ceili Clemens Shadow Songs. Let me say this. If you are ever sitting home watching TV on a Tuesday night you may as well confess to letting life pass you by...willingly. When I saw this piece I wanted to run into the streets and tell everyone who was sitting in a bar, or buying gum, or waiting for the bus to run inside and watch this magic shadow show. Carved our paper people with flashlights shining their silhouettes on the screen to apropos music gently gliding their darkness through us. Joe and Mike were brilliant to hear and watch as they crafted along with the elegant puppet dance of three women. Selflessly serving a story. Not knowing how their well rehearsed and very visible work made a statement of all the effort it takes to make art. How beautiful the effort is, almost even without the art itself.

I rushed backstage and told Ceili that this should open every film festival in the country. She was stunned.It's so hard to see when your art belongs when it's shooting through your arteries like caffeine and keeps you up all night. If anything, I want to make those connections for people. I have the luxury of being able to create AND see where it belongs. Let me please lead those brilliant artists who wander the subways platforms and NYC streets merely as the puppeteer...let me deliver the shadows to the people who need them the most.

Obama will be President on Tuesday. I will be at Penny's on Tuesday. If you want to be a part of history...meet me there.

#23- BUMPS AND BRUISES

You have one life and then suddenly it's all different.

Break ups. I sit here watching this incredible snow storm and am overwhelmed with how little is in all of our control. It's particularly obvious when relationships break up. People promise this and that to each other and sometimes it all works out that way. But isn't it weird when it doesn't? I mean, seriously. We should be able to say I wanna spend my life with a person and be able to do it. Happily.

But we change, don't we? The winds push us here and there and as we continue our journey along we realize the only constant we have is us. Ourselves. That's liberating and horrifying all at once. Yay me! Oh no...me!

I just watched this random video I found online of my ex. My major ex. The ex of eight years. Meaning we were together officially for eight years and that was after many prior years of a dance of trying to get together... and then back together. "My ex."

I google him and poke around and find nothing of me. Nothing. Not that I'm surprised or sad because hell...come on, let's move on? But how weird is it that he has omitted this big chunk of his life from his identity? It's just gone. On social websites he describes his likes and dislikes and jobs from the phase before me and then skipping to after me. But then again there doesn't seem to be trace of any prior exes either...and I know all of them. SO odd. I'm friends with many old boyfriends. Maybe the most significant are the best ones to bury because in the end we don't truly understand the closeness and then nothing. I don't. If we knew in the beginning of a relationship that it wasn't going to work out we wouldn't bring them so close. Would we? That's a dirty trick. Who made that one up?

I am in a new phase now. Because of my age I don't get as emotionally wrapped up with people as I did. But I do assume a familiarity. A grounded-ness. Maybe it's from my teaching so many years. I like to get to the point quickly and I don't assume the end all and be all. That's the different between 20's and 30's. At least mine.

I see people clearer now that I did and my time is selectively spent. I'm more productive and am entering the beginning of a very heavy reflective phase. That's where the writing is coming from. But one thing about be remains constant all the way through and keeps developing. I am "in the moment." Completely. What happens around me immediately effects me and I don't hide it. Yo know what I think just by looking at me. This embarrasses some people when they catch my alarm or deep curiosity dripping off my chin. But it's what makes me a good actress and allows me to bounce along with this ever changing life of mine. It's who I am. I am deeply interested in humanity and what we are doing with ourselves.

So I am back at Penny's this Tuesday. I can't wait. My friend Bricken is the special guests, which will be a hoot! These people live lives that change all the time and they take their bumps and bruises to the stage and share.

My turn...

#22- A VISION

The message has been said over and over again. Visualize it. Just visualize it and it will happen. See it and it will manifest itself before your eyes. The older I get the more of my friends say, "Yeah right" with a twisted up mouth and take another drag of their cigarette. How can people still smoke? Really. It amazes me. But seriously...it does look cool. My coolest characters smoke. But I don't use cigarettes. I use a Bic pen. Just to be weird.

Visuals. My friend Maria, a long lanky exotic woman with big brown eyes and a mad passionate love for people, told me that making a Vision Board changed her life. Her eyes widened seeking my understanding, me being a fellow Sagittarius and all. Maria met me and loved me because we're the same sign. We met on a fluke because she was dabbling in real estate in the same office I worked in and heard I had a one woman show. We met at the show and she was enthralled. Deeply. She has many layers besides her super modelesque stature and caramel completion.

Anyway, back to the Vision Board. Maria swears by this. An old fashioned collage covered with magazine clipping of everything your heart desires. Hung up in a prominent spot in your home so you can see it always and visualize what you want. Problem is Maria likes to entertain a lot and felt shy about her friends seeing her board. So it's shoved in the back of her closet unless the right audience is around.

Regardless, I don't entertain a lot so I made one. I'm picky about my images tho so I googled them all and printed them and cut them out. Here's what I put on it...in order...from left to right...top to bottom...

AN EMMY (for my show)
A BUDDHA STATUE UNDER A FLOWER (spirituality)
A BABY WITH BLUE EYES WITH A BIG RED HEART DRAWN ON IT ( love and a baby..eyes don't have to be blue)
A PRE WAR APARTMENT ON CENTRAL PARK WITH ARTSY FURNITURE (self explanatory)
AN ENVIRONMENTAL CAR (I'm not sure why I put that there...maybe to move the baby around)
SEVERAL OSCARS ON A SHELF (who doesn't want several OSCARS? Dianne Weist has several. I touched them...shhhh...don't tell...her)
TO DRIVE ON ROUTE ONE (cuz its beautiful and scary)
A LONG BLUE DRESS AND A SAPPHIRE DIAMOND RING (to wear on the red carpet...I put the ring here too and not near the heart because I felt like a square being like "I wanna get married with a big fat ring". I don't need to be married. Just in love and happy)
A BEACH HOUSE ON CAPE COD (again...who doesn't want that?)
A HOUSE IN THE WOODS ON A LAKE WITH A WRAPAROUND PORCH (I think a certain someone I know might want that too...not telling who...ok that guy from the past)
TO SHOOT A PROJECT IN PARIS (I love Paris and I want to work there)

OK those are my visions. I have to add some things. Like the book I want to write. Maybe a horsey.

Do one. Let's compare who gets the most vision one year from today: January 5th, 2010.