#21- YOU'RE NOWHERE...'TIL YOU ARE

I see people. Deeply. It gets me in trouble. I can sit in the subway and stare at a person while my face magically morphs into theirs. My sister hates it. I don't even realize I'm doing it. It's out of worship...not imitation.

When people talk to me I very often become too interested in what they're saying, or rather the look in their eyes, and want to dig deeper. Figure them out. Hook in. I'm not good at"light chit chat" . On the outside I look like a strong responsible woman. Maybe someones Mom. Maybe a wife...but maybe not. I brush my teeth and go to work and try to make my life flexible for sudden opportunities. What opportunities exactly I'm not quite sure. But sudden. Sudden opportunities.

I'm a VP, a founding partner, and an award winner. I have a family who loves me and a healthy dog and I get up at 7am every morning. I have a turtle. I teach, I act, I host, I produce. My resume is ridiculously long and intriguing and I don't have to be anywhere at any time unless I say so.

When I feel most alive I am zooming down the dark streets of the city, on my way to a late night performance. My $10 imitation Prada bag is packed with fake glasses or a long pink ballerina dress and my guitar is slung over my arm. My blood pumps for the unknown. The people of the night. The artists who tell the truth in the dark rooms of the lower east side. They don't speak of day jobs. They don't speak of families. They don't even ask. It's like being suspended in a moment in time where they city sleeps and you're suddenly given a few precious and secret hours to do what you're supposed to do.

Art. Truth. Raw and real work. Whatever it is. The kind that makes you walk a bit faster and fly down the subway stairs like you have wings.That's what I'm here for.

It's warm. The air of New York allowed me to glide though my day today like Spring. From one thing to another. Bouncing off the buildings like a great big bubble. I was able to enjoy a bit of this due to my commitment to action as I navigate through this period of backbreaking work.

I've created several careers for myself in the name of art. Yet how many of them ever stood out to me as a career as much as acting? None really I thought..until now. As I'm face to face with a TV show that is a combination of the four careers I have pursued the most- acting, comedy, teaching, and real estate. What a miracle really. I'm told it's my show and how active I am in terms of the way it comes out. Makes sense in a way. I mean who else has this combination of experience? Who else could do it if not me? Crazy people. That's who.

Somehow it all seems to fall into place. The many jobs. Just catching enough sleep is a blessing. So is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Amazing how you can sometimes suspend in air during the transitions we endure. Just barely hanging on. Not even. Just letting your fingers glide up the walls as you rise..praying for no bumps.

But there are bumps. Big bumps. I'm bad with bumps. I go along and there are so many more responsibilities, management of time, and keeping track of everyone's damn name and why I'm talking to them. It's overwhelming and comical and horrifying. I can see why the few friends of mine that have gained any celebrity have simply disappeared. For fear of appearing to be a blundering idiot. This is why people have personal assistants. To keep them from looking like fools. That's it. What a job.I know a couple of personal assistants and they are very good at what they do..but I'm onto them.

I tend to focus on the bumps more than the slippery slopes of easy town. My sister Becky points out to me all of the good things I have going at the moment and I laugh. Its like my resume. How can this all be real? But it is...and life is harder than ever. I hate people who say things like that. But I mean it.

I have had to cut down on social life completely. I need sleep and I don't need alcohol. I need water and moisturizer for this Irish skin of mine. I need coffee. I need to play with my dog every day. I need to stay organized as the papers pile up and each one is so darn important.

I spoke with a publicist the other day about all of my various endeavors. She told me I don't have time to publicize any of it. She's right. I need a publicist. Its not fancy. It's survival.

Pass the brie please, Madonna.