#14- TO ALWAYS BE TERRIFIED

So when I started stand up in the early 90's I did it not because I liked it. I did it because it scared me to death. Eventually I moved into doing solo shows because I LOVED It ...and it scared me to death. After several years of doing both and teaching others to scare themselves to death I realized I had forgotten to jump off a cliff lately. To take a risk. To force myself to dig deeper into the unknown of my creative self. To become better. That's not ok in my book. As artists it's easy to just plod along and do what you do and forget to challenge yourself. What's weird is I thought I'd been challenging myself all along...until all of the sudden I got scared.

About 6 weeks ago I woke up with this nervousness. Like I'd done something wrong and didn't know what. Like I was a fraud living in someone elses pants. I kept it to myself because I didn't know why I felt this way. Was it because my family was out of town and all the sudden I had some weird fear of being alone? Was it because I watched the Shining one night by myself? I had no idea which just made things worse. I hadn't felt this shaky in a long time.

Whenever I need to clear my head I head to Central Park. in particular, the spot right near Sheep's Meadow where all the people roller boogie. To me this spot is where the real New Yorers congregate and it reminds me of a New York long gone. The New York of my childhood that many people refer too as dangerous. To me it was a "neighborhood". My neighborhood. I got a call from one of my new "open mic pals", Marsha. Marsha and I are the same age which gives us an immediate connection. She's very down to earth and she know everything about everyone in "the scene" so she's a good source for answers. Anyway, we walked about 5 miles all through the park and got to know each other. Then suddenly she asked me why I did stand up for 15 years. It was amazing to her...and insane I said it was because it scared me...and then it dawned in me. Right in that moment. I knew why I'd been so jittery lately. The "scene" I'm in scares me to death. I'm surrounded by people I know absolutely nothing about. Considering I've been performing around town for my whole life it' s really disconcerting to meet performers who've been around as long as I have. Not at least crossing paths is odd for New York. For a native New Yorker, I feel like I just moved here! This makes me nervous. Hell it would probably make anyone nervous. How delicious!

I have completely thrown myself into unfamiliar creative ground to tackle my next phase of excavation into my artistic soul! How's that for scary? I can do anything I want when I perform for these people because they don't know anything about me. There's something incredibly liberating about that. For the very first time in years I was listening to a song on my Ipod and though, "I could choreograph the most hilarious hip hop dance to this!' That's awesome.

So as a result of my overwhelming discovery I went to another open mic that night. Sabelli's Underground. I was told much of the same crown from Pennie's goes there, so I figured I'd feel pretty ok. Steph Sabelli is very cool. To me she's VERY East Village. She had a cut off tee, leotard, jeans, and a very groovy belt on. She was rockin' some cowboy boots as she efficiently clomped around the stage to set up. Again, the technical aspects of these shows astound me. Under St. Marks theatre has the shit together. "luckydave" is there focusing lights and running the board beautifully. I'm unclear if he works there. Regardless, when I see him I relax. There's someone selling the beer. The place is clean. It's professional and good.

That night was a very unusual evening for a multitude of reasons, none of which helped calm my nerves. But I'm ok with that. First of all it was packed with mostly men. Not that that's a bad thing, but it rang a bit of the open mics from years gone past where it was all comedian men sitting there with there arms crossed and half asleep waiting for their turn. I was thrilled to quickly learn these men were over excited, animated, and extremely interactive with the show. So much so that the opening act referred to one audience member who, I swear, laughed at ever single word this man said. Not only that, but he'd laugh hard and loud and a little too long. Like a blast...a loud horn on a boat coming into the marina. It was bizarre and crazy. What was crazier was the materiel I was hearing from the stage. i won't delve too deeply but some of the topics were: fat blobs on his back and his itchy anus skin. That's all I'll say about that.

So the girls from Pennies were in the back quietly talking. The back yard at this theatre is sort of a little, dark haven. When you don't know anyone it's weird walking out there because it takes you a minute to adjust to the total absence of light. The door closes behind you and you generally stand there for a minute and listen to the quiet talk hoping maybe you recognize a voice. Penny, Natalie, and Marsha were sitting there closly chatting. Penny told me to bring up a chair and our little coffee clutch began. We talked about art. We talked about boys. We talked about a multitude of things which were oh so yummy and why it's fun to be a girl. Suddenly things got loud and we realized about half of the men in the audience came out back to chat as well. Our quiet little slumber party suddenly shifted and we sighed with a little disappointment.

So the show continued on and Marsha and I made our way back into the theatre. She and I were up one right after the other but had no idea how far along the show was. Suddenly as we were making our way down the steps someone was barreling their way towards carrying a completely collapsed performer. There was nowhere to go except the dressing room and we all smooshed back there to tend to the situation. Talk about terrifying! Suddenly our heads changed as we stared at this person turning blue. I grabbed my phone to dial 911. No reception. i ran out back and found Natalie. Greatfully she had reception and she called an ambulance. She passed me her phone and I explained what I knew. It always seems to me like 911 asks too many questions. It should be "where are you? We're on our way!" What else is there to talk about? I'm not a doctor!

So the fire department showed up. I love fire men. Everyone loves fire men. Five tall strapping heros walked down the stairs and crossed the stage to the dressing room. What's totally crazy is nobody in the stage noticed. They just kept playing away. It was like an alternate reality. There I was surrounded by pretty much all strangers in the basement of this theatre with a collapsed person lying on the floor.

Long story short, he came to and went to the hospital. Of course the show went on. I performed. Marsha and Penny performed too. I guess the show must go on...right?

This world I am in is amazing. I'm great full. There;s a story here and I intend to write i, and hopefully it will be terryfyingly delicious!