#17- FROM THE HEART

We all have moments of uncertainty. I haven't written in awhile for a reason. I met a publisher and started thinking about publishing my blog as a book. As soon as I started thinking about that I started censoring what I wanted to write here. I sat down to write twice and stopped almost immediately because I thought about who would be reading this.I dropped outside of myself and started thinking about outside stuff. Maybe what I was writing wasn't very good? What would a publisher think? Am I exposing myself too much? Am I "marketable"? Good grief.

This happened to me once before. I was writing a book on wine from a comedians perspective. It was funny. Damn funny. Also informative. I'll go back to this book so I won't go too far into the details. But after I'd written maybe 8 chapters I showed some to a "winey". Someone who owned wine shops, sold wine, drank wine, etc. Well he HATED it! He hated it because I was demystifying wine. I know that now. At the time I thought it was my sense of humor he was attacking. Now I know differently. People who sell wine don't want you to make fun of the wine business. Go figure.

I'm now moving into a new phase of my career. Gratfully I've booked an awesome gig. This is moving me into a new brand of artistic responsibility. I talk about this a lot in my work. Being responsible. Just because you are on a stage doesn't give you the right to accost an audience. It also doesn't mean you can be unprepared. It's not charming. Not that you can't be edgy or experimental, but as long as you are aware that an audience is virtually captive AND have very likely paid to watch a show AND that you have this gift FOR other people..well, you'll be responsible. All it takes is touching base with your heart and askiing yourself why you want to perform in front of people? Why do you want to sell your paintings? Why do you want to write books and sell them to people? If it's FOR the people...you win. If it's therapy or has a hint of meanness to it...you lose.

Ok so what adjustments do you make when your audience widens? What do you do when a group of people hand you an opportunity to be yourself for a living? One thing I did is look into myself. I checked in. Did it feel like some outside crazy prize I won? Did I feel overwhelmed. Thankfully the answer is no. This feels like a bigger version of what I already do. In fact its exactly what I do but now more people will experience it. That's all. Phew.

The other thing I am doing as looking at my life and what I'm doing. Making sure everything I'm doing feeds this path. Does it all fit? I teach, I sell, I create. I produce. I perform with several different groups of people. Not that any of these don't fit, but I actually have to reel them all in and look at them. That's all. How do I ive my daily life? What's missing? Lining up my ducks. That's all. Chop chop.

I don't want to generalize or be vague here. I want to write freely and connect with those who read this. That's my goal. Writing professionally is something I have always wanted to do but never had it in the front of my mind. Much of that has to do with programming. From a very young age I was the actress. The comedian. School itself wasn't a priority to me. There were a small handful of teachers who blew me away. Truly. They were a character study for me and engaged me in a way that I held onto their every word. It didn't matter what they were teaching. Math, English, or French. If they were passionate about what they did they had me. The others...well...yawn.

So writing was not something I ever seriously thought about, but now I realize that writing is another stage I can stand on. I have a talent for the people. Plus it's fun. When I'm engaged in writing I love it. It just takes practice. I am so picky about the books I read it's ridiculous. I know after a sentence if it's going to grab me. It's all in the writing style. It's like with a comedian. If you don't have them laughing in the first 5 seconds.. well forget it.

Ok so I'll keep writing. Promise. Let the engagement begin.

Wish me luck.